Erectile Dysfunction

If a caber had been involved, reality would have collapsed around them and deep fried itself.

No wonder he couldn't get it up after a ceilidh.

After six hours of dancing with drunk pensioners, I couldn't get an erection if I saw four teenagers in bikinis in a carwash soaping down a stallion wearing Beyonce's pants.

I decided to commission a poll to see what people thought of the whole sordid affair: • 40% said they couldn't get it up with a piper in the room; • 35% said they can only get it up with a piper in the room; • 10% said that if he'd gone back to his pregnant wife that night, it would have kind of been a threesome anyway.

Faye Turney – the unacceptable face of the forces So, was Defence Secretary Des Browne wrong to let the sailors captured by Iran sell their stories?

Or was he incompetent and wrong?

I was pretty disappointed by the hostages.

One of the captured sailors cried because his tormentors called him Mr Bean.

And when they made their statements, they just read out what the Iranians told them to.

It would be good if hostages in general could show a bit more bravery.

It would be good if someone was going to get beheaded and went: "Short back and sides please!

Gimme a minus-1 all over!

" I was anti-burkhas until I saw one covering up Faye Turney's face.

Kind of makes sense now.

Don't feel sorry for her - she's made 150 grand.

Which she'll hopefully spend on plastic su...

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